Before reading on, push play button on the YouTube Video below to do this properly.

Disclaimer: The video is a bit inappropriate for kids.

If you’ve ever read my stuff, you know that I’m interested in all things dental. I love to read, study, and even write about anything remotely related to dentistry, especially things found in pop culture. Until now I feel there has been a glaring hole in my blog posts. I’ve addressed crowns, root canals, braces, fillings, night guards, microbiology, dentistry in historic art pieces, and even those little birds that don’t actually clean crocodile teeth, but on one critical topic—perhaps the most important dental treatment of all—I’ve remained conspicuously silent. I am, of course, talking about dental “grills.”

For the uninitiated, a grill is a piece of jewelry from the hip hop culture that is worn on teeth. Also called “golds” or a “front,” a grill is generally a removable structure containing gold, diamonds, words, and anything else that screams bling at all who behold it. Grills started gaining popularity in the 1980s as rappers and hip hop musicians adopted them as an official ornament (along with gold chains, drug paraphernalia, 9 mm pistols, fur coats, canes, stolen cars, etc.) but they haven’t quite made their way to Orem, Utah yet.

I propose we change this. From this moment forward, Canyon Gate Dental will be leading the charge to put sweet grills on the mouth of every man, woman, and child in Utah Valley. As you think about what kind of grill you might want (e.g. yellow gold, white gold, platinum, diamonds, sapphires, your rapper alias spelled out, etc.), check out some of the best grills ever made:

Slick Rick:

How many times have you wondered what to wear with your diamond studded eye patch? Slick Rick has the answer: get yourself some sweet diamond fronts. And if you really want to go the extra mile, dust off that mink coat and fedora. You’ll never want to wear anything else again.

Flava Flav:

Flava Flav sports gold fronts with his name spelled out in diamonds. The man simply exudes class and sophistication. Has there ever been a cultural pioneer as respected as Flava Flav?

Lil John:

So you don’t want the in-your-face look of yellow gold? Be like Lil John and go with a chic platinum and diamond look.

Lil Wayne:

Sometimes you just can’t get enough diamonds and sometimes you just don’t want to live with the hassle of a removable appliance. These chompers are permanently fixed to Lil Wayne’s teeth. An exact replica will only set you back $150,000.

Paul Wall:

When people ask for your name, can you possibly create a better first impression than Paul Wall, who only has to open his lips and show you his shiny grill to answer the question in impressive fashion?

Katy Perry:

At this point you may be thinking that grills are for men only. Iconoclast Katy Perry dashes this notion by wearing an impressive grill to the VMA music awards. And you thought she just couldn’t get any prettier.

Kanye West:

Is there anyone alive who is classier and more beloved than Kanye? I submit to you that the answer to this question is an emphatic “no!” Kanye, ever the one to avoid the limelight and knock us dead with subtlety, takes the conservative grill approach by only wearing diamonds on his lower teeth.

Marshawn Lynch:

Do you want to be a better football player? Speed and strength are a good start, but when you wear a grill that says “Beast Mode” you basically insure yourself against failure. Marshawn’s been wearing grills since at least age 12 and he’s a Super Bowl winner.

Have you decided what kind of grill you want yet? Good. Although I have don’t have any personal before-and-after photos to show off my mad grillz skillz yet, rest assured that I have carefully studied the best and the brightest grills in existence. I’m ready and willing to make a masterpiece for your mouth.

A grill from Canyon Gate Dental provides the following benefits:

• These babies make great stocking stuffers for the whole family
• Instantly launch the career of any aspiring rappers
• Guaranteed 300% boost of street cred both at work and at home
• Near-instantaneous release from your time-consuming church calling
• Never have trouble again attracting attention from law enforcement, bank clerks, or graveyard shift convenience store employees.
• Looking for a job in the “pharmaceuticals” industry? Our grills will help you get your foot in the door for lucrative distribution, sales, and transportation positions.
• Make interesting and dangerous new friends
• The first 500 customers to inquire about a grill will get their fronts at cost!

-Nicolas K. Young, DMD

*All images contained in this post are not mine. Images are property of Sojones.com, Wikipedia.org, Popsugar.com, Buzznet.com, and Sbnation.com. They will be removed immediately at their owners’ request.